As I've grown older, I've begun to pride myself on my independence and ability to handle life's circumstances on my own. When I do feel overwhelmed, I realize how fortunate I am to have parents who will help me. Being a single parent, it's been challenging at times. So when I feel my finances are too much, I ask my parents for help. There is an inner voice within me that says 'You are a 20/30/40 year old woman who still needs her parent's help? How pathetic'. Once I get the help, my anxiety goes away and I can focus again. I also realize how fortunate I am to have the support of my parents when I ask for help.
I've now found myself dealing with my anxiety in a different context over the past year. My panic attack a year ago wasn't connected directly to financial struggles, but challenges I was dealing with in my job. Throughout my professional career I've been fortunate to make decisions and get support from supervisors and colleagues. I didn't realize how important autonomy was in my job until it was slowly taken away. What I didn't realize as I was trying to work through my emotions was that one of my strongest emotions, anger, was taking over. I found myself angry and then carrying that anger home. My wake-up call was when Bailey said that she didn't like this person coming home after work every day. Her anxiety would elevate as the clock ticked closer to 4:30. I would go off on one of my angry tangents after work, thinking that it would feel better to vent. What I learned from a counselor is that anger is a secondary emotion which can cover up depression. What?!? Isn't depression being sad all the time? This was when I realized I needed help and made the call to a counselor. I also met with my doctor who prescribed some low dose medications for depression and anxiety.
Why am I disclosing this in a blog where I usually share all the happy moments Bailey and I experience together? October is Mental Health Awareness Month and I've felt my inner voice telling me to share my story. My first experience with mental illness was in February 1996 when I received a phone call that my mom had been admitted into the mental health unit and was there for 2 weeks. 7 years ago I experienced mental illness as the mother of a child going through anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. With each experience of mental illness, I realize how much I don't understand, but am willing to learn. The hardest part about mental illness is that the person suffering has to figure out for him or herself what works. Through my own mental illness struggles and counseling, I can understand this now.
A mantra that I have carried with me ever since I was a school counselor is 'To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world'. I have had those people in my life and I aspire each day to be this for others. Through my latest inspiration, author and speaker Brene Brown, I've decided to share my story and be vulnerable to those who are willing to be in the arena with me.
