World Prematurity Awareness Day

Bails 'n Me is inspired by my daughter, Bailey.  Today I am so extremely grateful that she overcame the challenges of her early birth and is here today.  I am grateful for every day I get to spend with her.

Here is my post from Instagram on World Prematurity Awareness Day:
World Prematurity Awareness Day

It's Okay Not To Be Okay

I had heard the phrase, 'It's okay not to be okay', but it wasn't until a year ago that I heard my inner voice saying this while experiencing a panic attack in my office at work.  The overwhelming feeling of struggling to catch my breath, sob uncontrollably and feel a heartache I hadn't experienced for quite sometime scared me. 

As I've grown older, I've begun to pride myself on my independence and ability to handle life's circumstances on my own.  When I do feel overwhelmed, I realize how fortunate I am to have parents who will help me.  Being a single parent, it's been challenging at times.  So when I feel my finances are too much, I ask my parents for help.  There is an inner voice within me that says 'You are a 20/30/40 year old woman who still needs her parent's help?  How pathetic'.  Once I get the help, my anxiety goes away and I can focus again.  I also realize how fortunate I am to have the support of my parents when I ask for help. 

I've now found myself dealing with my anxiety in a different context over the past year.  My panic attack a year ago wasn't connected directly to financial struggles, but challenges I was dealing with in my job.  Throughout my professional career I've been fortunate to make decisions and get support from supervisors and colleagues.  I didn't realize how important autonomy was in my job until it was slowly taken away.  What I didn't realize as I was trying to work through my emotions was that one of my strongest emotions, anger, was taking over.  I found myself angry and then carrying that anger home.  My wake-up call was when Bailey said that she didn't like this person coming home after work every day.  Her anxiety would elevate as the clock ticked closer to 4:30.  I would go off on one of my angry tangents after work, thinking that it would feel better to vent.  What I learned from a counselor is that anger is a secondary emotion which can cover up depression.  What?!?  Isn't depression being sad all the time?  This was when I realized I needed help and made the call to a counselor.  I also met with my doctor who prescribed some low dose medications for depression and anxiety. 

Why am I disclosing this in a blog where I usually share all the happy moments Bailey and I experience together?  October is Mental Health Awareness Month and I've felt my inner voice telling me to share my story.  My first experience with mental illness was in February 1996 when I received a phone call that my mom had been admitted into the mental health unit and was there for 2 weeks.  7 years ago I experienced mental illness as the mother of a child going through anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts.  With each experience of mental illness, I realize how much I don't understand, but am willing to learn.  The hardest part about mental illness is that the person suffering has to figure out for him or herself what works.  Through my own mental illness struggles and counseling, I can understand this now. 

A mantra that I have carried with me ever since I was a school counselor is 'To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world'.  I have had those people in my life and I aspire each day to be this for others.  Through my latest inspiration, author and speaker Brene Brown, I've decided to share my story and be vulnerable to those who are willing to be in the arena with me. 

   

Cheers To Junior Year

Tomorrow marks the first day of Bailey's senior year.  Before I can kick off that year, I feel I need to bring closure to her junior year.  It was a year filled with new adventures and looking towards the future.

We made campus visits to Iowa State University and Indiana State University.  Although she enjoyed both visits, Indiana State is her first choice for graphic design and animation.  She's ready to spread her wings and begin a new adventure away from Iowa.  Will she be a future Sycamore?  Time will tell.

She looked absolutely beautiful at both Homecoming and Prom. 

We were both excited when Cedar Falls hired 2 new speech coaches and Bailey finally got to experience speech contest this year.  Her group ensemble went to State and earned a Division I rating.  She poured just as much heart into her 2 individual speeches and came home with Division II ratings.  I've come to accept that speech contest can be somewhat subjective so although I felt she did an outstanding job with her individual speeches and should have taken both entries onto the state contest, her judges rated them differently.  Regardless, I'm so proud of Bailey for putting herself back "on the stage" and working so hard on her speeches this year.  It was a lot of fun to work with her and provide my own critique.

Like school years past, Bailey has learned and grown a lot.  We are both looking forward to what this final year of high school will bring and planning for a future where God only knows what lies ahead.

Prom 2019

Bailey's Junior Prom is a day I will treasure forever. 

We shopped for her dress the weekend after her birthday.  After trying on nearly 20 dresses at 6 department stores, she found a royal blue dress which matched the style she was searching for.  I almost fell over when the cashier rang up the dress for $22.  What a steal!  In the days leading up to prom, she experienced her first spray tan at Suntan City.  Mandy Even at Visions Salon pampered her the morning of prom with a manicure, pedicure, up-do and makeup application.  Her royal blue dress with matching accessories radiated her beauty once she put the entire ensemble together. 

We returned to the UNI campus for some fun photography.  With Aunt Hope's scenic suggestions, we captured some awesome pictures, along with more pictures on our deck. 

Bailey's friend Tex agreed to be her date to the prom.  He was such a gentleman, arriving at our house with a beautiful corsage.  Their evening at prom and post-prom was filled with many memorable moments (you'll have to ask Bailey for the details).

Although prom is now behind us, I'm so grateful for the pictures to remind me of this special day.  They just make my heart happy.   

She's 18!!!

'Where does the time go' seems so cliche, but I can't deny this feeling as Bailey is now 18 years old.  My mind can't help but reflect back over the 18 years of our time together, but also looks forward to the new adventures ahead.  My Instagram post back on March 28th sums up this beautiful soul and the past 18 years.  

scrappinmomma

Cedar Falls, Iowa

Happy 18th Birthday to this beauty today! Her tender heart and quirky comments just touch the surface of what lies within this now young adult. I’m beyond proud to witness every day the lady she has become. I’m honored that God chose me to be her mother 18 years ago. Her early arrival was just the beginning of what lied ahead for us. Through the good, the bad, the laughter and the tears we’ve persevered and today celebrate 18 years. I love you Bailey Hope! Cheers to you and all this next year has in store!

Remembering My Mentors

As life marches on, it's easy to get wrapped up in the daily grind and routine.  Then the word of someone's passing puts life back into perspective and memories of days passed come flooding back.  Over the past 4 months this has happened to me, upon hearing that 2 of my mentors during my high school years had passed away.  I knew over 25 years ago that they were a huge influence on my high school experience.  As I've grown older, I've realized just how much they affected my life and how much those memories are a treasured part of my life.

Mr. Libke was my High School English Teacher and Speech Coach.  During my freshman year, my locker was outside of his classroom.  One day he pulled me aside and encouraged me to take a piece to speech contest.  He then proceeded to hand me a 1 1/2 page single-spaced document, a public address, and told me to memorize the entire piece which I would present at district speech contest.  Over the following weeks I would meet with him and receive his constructive criticism to make my presentation better.  The day of speech contest I was more nervous than I can ever remember.  I received a 'I', meaning I was moving on to the state speech contest in 2 weeks.  That experience moved me to participate in both group and individual speech contest over the next 4 years, with the ultimate goal of making it to the All-State Speech Contest.  My senior year this became a reality and I took my Storytelling piece, 'The Berenstein Bears Get The Gimmies' to All-State.  Along with the many hours spent in Mr. Libke's classroom after school, I also worked with him as an Assistant Director on West Central's production of 'Oklahoma' in 1998 and as a part of the cast of 'Death By Chocolate' in 2005 with the Sumner Community Theatre, which he co-directed. 

In September I was shocked to hear that Mr. Libke had passed away unexpectedly.  It was then that I knew what a profound impact he had on my life, with so many memories flooding back to me.  His encouragement all those years brought me out of my shyness and gave me confidence in public speaking, as well as writing.  His constructive criticism in both speaking and writing were the toughest I've ever received.  I will be forever grateful for him pushing me to my potential and seeing something in me I had not seen myself.  He will always be remembered as one of my mentors. 

Last weekend Bailey participated in her first district speech contest and her group received a 'I'.  It's so much fun to be on a different side of this experience and I look forward to the state contest next weekend.  Thank you Mr. Libke for introducing speech into my life all those years ago.  Little did I know what an impact you would have on me.

Yesterday I attended A Celebration of Life service for my high school basketball coach, Mr. Gene Klinge.  His passing was also sudden, a little over a week ago.  Memories of all those years on the basketball court came back to me after hearing he had passed away.  Last weekend I even dug out the VHS tape of when West Central beat Cal-Latimer to go to the state tournament my senior year.  What a game and what a treasure to watch that game and have those memories.  While I was in the gymnasium waiting for the service to begin, I recognized so many WC alumni who had played for Mr. Klinge over his 41 year tenure at West Central.  When I was young, I remember looking forward to Friday nights when our family would go to basketball games and I would watch the girls on the court, aspiring to be one of them someday.  In 5th grade I was finally able to attend my first basketball camp where I would learn the fundamentals of 6-on-6 basketball.  I would attend camp every year after, as well as a basketball camp Mr. Klinge organized at Upper Iowa University.  Every year the drills and structure of the camp were the same, based around the basic fundamentals of 6-on-6 basketball.  Mr. Klinge instilled this in his teams, along with "mental toughness".  Unless someone has played for him, a person cannot understand how this lights a fire inside of you to play better.

I was so fortunate to play basketball from 7th-12th grade with a group of girls who "just clicked".  In junior high we would blow teams away, one game with a final score of 72-4.  Ouch!  Our team had  aspirations to make it to the state tournament in high school.  After a crushing double-overtime loss in district play my junior year, the state tournament ticket became a reality my senior year.  It is an experience I can't put into words other than to say it was amazing.  Despite getting beat in the second round, the entire experience is something that will always be remembered.  1993 was also the final year of 6-on-6 basketball in Iowa.  Again, unless you've watched it and played it, a person doesn't understand how special this game was.

The sharing of stories throughout the service brought some chuckles, as well as a few tears.  Mr. Klinge's influence on my life through the game of basketball instilled that "mental toughness" in me that many people mentioned.  One coach recognized that West Central's teams were always respectful and kind to their opponents and officials, which you don't see in all teams.  A feeling of pride in representing the Blue Devils all those years overcame me.  I realized I was a part of something special in playing basketball for West Central, under the leadership of Mr. Gene Klinge.  Thank you Mr. Klinge for instilling some great life skills in me and pushing me to my potential.

Along with these memories, I remembered that I had blogged about Mr. Libke and Mr. Klinge some years ago.  When I went back to my past blogs, I didn't remember that I had blogged about both of them in the same post.  There must be something about these 2 men and how their memories intersect in my life.  These are my Treasured Memories  .

Retreats Are Snow Much Fun

Two years ago I visited Cedar Creek Retreat Center and fell in love.  To explain my path to this beautiful blessing from God, I'd like to go back to October 2009...

Knowing I enjoyed scrapbooking, my sister-in-law invited me to a scrapbook retreat at Pine Lake Camps.  I'd never been to a retreat before so I had no idea what I was in for.  In short, it was a life-changing event for me.  The entire weekend was awesome.  The retreat was facilitated by Follow Hard Ministries.  Although I got to scrapbook for an entire weekend, have homemade meals prepared for me and meet some really awesome women, the bigger benefit was growing closer to God.  Becky and Lynn, the 2 women behind Follow Hard Ministries, led breakout sessions that involved singing, connecting scripture with the theme for the weekend (purses), along with fun and laughter.  I was so moved by the entire weekend that I made it a priority to get every retreat on my calendar, and I have.

A couple years ago Becky shared with us at a retreat that she felt God moving her to start a retreat center down in southern Iowa.  Her new partner in the ministry, Sherri, had moved down to the southern part of the state and they had begun to look for land and a place for God to place Follow Hard Ministries.  Lots of prayer and trust eventually led them to a property in the country, outside of Winterset, Iowa.  Cedar Creek was this place and I was blessed to attend my first retreat there 2 years ago.  Like my first retreat at Pine Lakes, my first retreat at Cedar Creek was life-changing.  The property is in a secluded area of the countryside.  The home is so welcoming and comforting, with different spaces throughout to have peace and spend time with God.  Becky and Sherri are amazing hosts, preparing homecooked meals throughout the weekend and providing a great space downstairs to scrapbook all weekend long.  At different points throughout the weekend we take a short break from our scrapbooks to spend time in a devotional and playing silly games.  It gives a renewed energy to get back to cropping, but also to remember that all we have comes from God.

Last weekend I attended my 5th scrapbook retreat at Cedar Creek.  The theme was Snowjama.  Little did we know that a snowstorm would cover Southern Iowa throughout the weekend.  Snow began to fall Friday night and continued all day Saturday.  Due to the heavy snowfall overnight, we were literally snowed in for the day, but what better place to spend a Snow Day.  Having discovered the importance of self-care over these past couple months, that was my focus going into last weekend.  To take care of myself and spend time with God.  I praise God that he has blessed Follow Hard Ministries with Cedar Creek Retreat Center and will continue to pray that the work Becky and Sherri do in spreading the Word will bring their future plans to fruition.  I can't wait to return again.